I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
