Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
