Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
