I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Houston, we have a blender
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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