It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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