I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Randomize
