I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
