i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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