we're chasing vodka with high fives
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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