wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
