When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
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