just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
