I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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