I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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