Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
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