I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
