i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
