We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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