Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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