Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
