I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
