i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
