She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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