Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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