and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
