No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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