I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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