How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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