I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
