Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
