You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
