The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
wow bdsm is so cute
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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