I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
