you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
