Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I checked into jail on foursquare
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
