How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
