now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
