I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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