I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
