yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
