i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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