Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
