This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
