Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
