id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
