you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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