Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Are my feet made of real feet?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
