just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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