Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
