nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
