theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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