I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
