we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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