Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
