how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
