Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
